Hello… so it’s been a while since I sat down and wrote on this blog. It’s now 2023 and a whole new year ahead of us!
I made a promise to myself when I started this that I would be honest on this blog, so I have tried to write for a while, but just deleted them because my head has just not been in the right space. I had nothing positive or helpful to talk about so I just accepted that and I told myself I would come back to this when the time is right and the inspiration comes back to me.
Where have I been?
So these past few months have been really difficult and that’s the reason I stepped away from the blog. I normally can find a positive in most situations but recently I have just been really negative.
I have talked about this before in other posts but I do struggle a lot with my mental health. Depression is the one I haven’t struggled with for a long time, I have had moments but not serious depression for over 4 years. In recent months I have really become depressed again, I know why and I’m not surprised but it’s been tough.
As many of you know, if you read Dealing With Grief that I lost my Nan in October last year, it has been a really strange and painful experience. I have never lost someone really close to me before and I knew this would be difficult and going into the unknown.
My nan was someone who showed me how to have faith no matter what and that love is a blessing. Since she died I have felt so lost and defeated with life, I used go to her when I needed inspiration or just a reminder of how beautiful life is and I think I have lost that at the moment which is sad. Grief is an incredible strange experience that is different for everyone and it is never easy.
If I’m being honest with myself I haven’t been that happy since I moved out on my own but losing my nan really hit me. You never know how your going to feel and I have really not known what to feel or what I was feeling for a long time now.
In these three months I have realised how not okay I am with change! My brain really hates change and doesn’t know how to cope and this is something that I am learning to except, I experienced situations in life that made me fear change but that is okay and I will learn to accept because life is ever changing and we can’t stop that. I have been going through such bad anxiety over the littlest things that shouldn’t really cause anxiety, I’m a very anxious person naturally so it has just felt heightened, I have recognised that it is all caused by the fear of change or not knowing what is going to happen next. But I know this just who I am and this is normal when going through grief and it will get better and reminding myself that I’m not crazy for feeling this way.
For the past 3 years I have been on a really amazing spiritual journey that I wouldn’t change for the world because it’s given me far more than could have expected or wanted. In the past six months I have lost my spirituality, I was really upset and frustrated at first because it felt like going backwards or I had lost my way too far to find it again. I have come to understand now that it’s not a bad thing I have been through a lot in recent months, more than I saw coming and if I’m not as spiritual then it’s okay. You cannot ‘lose’ your spirituality and it’s okay to to have the space to breath and be in the moment for a while. I still have times when I get a call back to it, sometimes I want to meditate, pray or work with my crystals and sometimes I don’t and that’s completely okay right now because I know I will come back to it fully at some point.
I apologise if this was a really serious blog post but I have been writing and then deleting posts because it felt like I was lying so I thought I would just be honest. I am not doing well but I’m getting there and will be okay in the end.
Also there maybe someone else reading this who is going through grief and is experiencing similar emotions. So I hope this post resonates with anyone going through a similar situation and I hope you can give yourself the love and space to heal.
Thank you for reading, I’m not promising regular posts because I’m still not too sure what to write but I have one idea I’m working on so hopefully it will be soon.
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